Such a small world..

Jolted out from slumber by the sudden storm of May, I was fastening everything around me, few hours ago. The wimdchyme screamed the presence of a dark disturbed night. The taffy curtains, drunk on rain, appeared rouge in the crackling light. I regretted not closing the panes..same has been with my heart.. I regret quite a few liberal decisions of mine.

The roaring clouds left no option for me but to sink in a desolate corner and rethink my life..as if I don’t already do it all the day. The book I started this week drew my attention..I didn’t know why I don’t find time for it .. I mean Tamora was quite an interesting character though.

It was close to 3 Am and in sweeping steps, gloom enveloped me. I reached out to my phone which had several unanswered messages..The last one read “Did you get any idea yet?”. I thought of calling someone..but wait, who? Someone I lost in the loop of life? Myself. Okay so how about a blank call? I dialled few numbers which seemed credible and after four invalid ones and three unanswered rings, a woman picked up.

May I speak to Tamora, please? ” God! I really needed to get done with that play real soon.

Sorry, wrong number” was expected but “Hey, I can’t sleep and I see you can’t either..so would you mind conversing with this stranger for a little time” blew my mind. I smiled at her cockiness but as most of the smiles are inaudible..even she thought she has embarrassed herself.

Okay, let’s talk ..so tell me why can’t you sleep?” I initiated.

Today I will finally gather courage and ask my husband for divorce” her voice was painfully calm. “What’s keeping you up” she was quick to ask.

Today I will finally gather courage and ask my boyfriend for marriage” I just said in a flow.

Oh, my husband isn’t aware of anything”

Him neither”

She must have thought that how we both are living an almost- same almost- opposite life. So just to break her trance, I asked ” How’re you going to muster up the vailancy”

Chivas- Regal..few drops in and the Cinderella within tears up the glittery gown and jumps with a shining sword” she said it with a light laugh.

We talked about love and we talked about betrayal but never for once did I try to comfort her. Typical Stranger. It got close to 4 and she told me that after her daughter goes to school today, she’ll raise the matter. After all a little one can’t stand so much. She’s just turning five this month and all she wants is a Disney gown.

Tell me, something about your husband” I asked because, why not?

Okay..so how do I start..He’s way too into John Milton. His closet it full of pastel shades. He likes to gift glass paintings. He finds solace in the darkness and according to him silence has a melody. He plays a weird tune on piano when he is sad..and when he’s happy..he just plays the same tune louder. Candles make him sad but lalterns give him assurance. He has a thing for rusted photo frames and shining China cups and he believes that only art can save this world” she was letting it all out.

All the time I wondered..why on Earth is she divorcing him, when all of this in one man is enough to make me fall in a love of lifetime but then like a bolt I found my answer.

This time she haulted my thoughts “ Hey ..it’s morning and I guess we both need to get back from where we escaped an hour before..so.. All the very best and take care”

I could have said the same but ended up saying “Goodbye.. and take care of Viola.. make sure she knows that her daddy loves her..now n forever”

And just as I expected, after a second of steeping silence, the line disconnected. I sighed and stood up to start the day but not before sending a “Yes, I think a Disney Gown would be just as perfect” to the unanswered message.

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He smiled?

Today, did he smile at you?

Walking up to your seat did he pick up the pen, you carelessly dropped? He must have even complimented the colourations on your notebook and said that your floral dress reminds him of the time he spent in Hawai with his grandmom. Finally after meeting him almost everyday, today you noticed him !! Damn that bewitching smile of his, it can make heart skip beats..

By now, he might be wishing you every morning, stealing your glances every time he gets a chance. His stares have a trance of an unknown world. You might just as well wish for his number, don’t worry, he himself will soon find a way, to get yours. So, you like him..? I mean, why wouldn’t you..His vibes are poetic and just to feel a passing breeze of his, can make your being flutter.

The other day, you visited his place? Or should I rather say- ‘Castle Of Mungo’ ..just as he likes to call .. He and his vivid contours of imaginations. Did you also like his rosewood vases and calorina blue curtains? His choices, you must be thinking, are weirdly beautiful. He likes to read Arthur Conan Doyle, listening to Frank Sinatra. After dropping you home, did he say – “Thanks for bringing colours into my ramshackle life, even if it was just for a day” ? Sweet right..??

So he proposed under a blanket of stars and totally swayed you away. You now might be knowing was dating him feels like. His love is as carnal as is divine. Its the fire you crave for, to sooth the burns. He tells you that he yearns for a person who can simply reciprocate his love and every time he says that, I know your heart melts. And do I even need to mention the faint odour of his cologne.. Even paradise seems trivial.

Now that in these 14 months of exploration.. Of being his centre of world, you trust him with all you have and life with him seems so beautiful that it isn’t even imaginable without him..GET READY …

He is about to leave you anytime soon.. No questions no answers.. Just the fragments of your heart in the smoke of haunting memories.

I know you’ll be left numb but all I can say is, I had none but you..you have me..

And hey, please do pass this on to the next girl he smiles at..!!

Detached

Memories transcend..but only if allowed to. It’s been fourteen months and I still stand questionable to it.

Last night, my friends were discussing the fermentation of SAINT AMOUR. It brought me back to the time when SAINT AMOUR and I, were your special favourites. Till the time their conversation lasted, I vacantly stared at the rear mirror, trying to find my missing pieces in the fast forward arena. I no more enjoy autumn evenings, sipping earl grey tea, watching the tired leaves kiss the ground.

Few days back, I read a note on forgiveness..people around me would never know why those few blatant words took me twelve long minutes and why they clouded my vision. I remember avoiding the movie outing with my friends, feigning headache..they brought me to notice that I said it for the sixth time in a row.

I no more shop celestial blue dresses. I can’t even share my playlist..I don’t want it to work against my smile and I still wonder, why do I feel like travelling the length of time, back to when these were a routine. I don’t think much about you but then I can’t understand why people around me say that often do they find me motionless, detached and blank. I have almost given up on writing, because every piece I start has a mention of….

Maybe it’s all a dome of my regret. Fourteen months ago, there was a frail knock at my door. My bruised heart knew it was yours but it never knew it’ll be last of yours. I forced a finality of goodbye and you turned to never return. Apprehension has been the only constant since then.

My mother stares helplessly at me, she says she want her daughter back.

Wrestle

Every night of mine..has a solemn reign of uninterrupted silence.. I can feel the glance of breezy moonfall, the slow rushes of the leaves and the whispers of stars..I guess, I’ve clearly fallen from Lord Morpheus’s grace..

There are hours in which I honour my solitary Space..but then there also, are moments..really long ones, where I sit back and watch my life slipping through my fingers..

In a total dead end game, I still keep on to my pace but here the catch is I’m against myself..

A part of me is too tired to even bother, all it can sense, breathe and feel is – sleep…

But then there’s a part of me..a part which is all up for exhausting expeditions..which is too drowned in memories to sit back..and this part is truly overweighing..

This wrestle is breaking me like a stale pie… This do and undo is tearing me to ribbons..and sadly all I do is to view this hustle..

At times I wonder, was my wishlist that farfetched..

All I ever wanted was someone to take me to neverland, someone who could find my scars and walk through the walls of my heart.. Someone who could hear my screaming silence amidst my never ending rants..someone who could gauge the pain of my smile..someone who could easily reach out to the glint in my eyes..someone who could unfurl the timid me, hidden around the mighty flamboyancy.

Someone who could see my deep laid flaws and find beauty in it..

Well the struggle is real, the questions ceaseless and the night unanswered..

For now, All I can do is to let the wrestle continue till there’s the conquer of indifference.. !!

Suffocating silence

I was at ease with my confounding kingdom..

With tons of monstrosity to palliate boredom..

Growing stagnant, edgy yet sublime..

Celebrating on having none to call as mine..

Almost did I manage to find solace..

And tied laces for the quenched race..

Never expecting, never admiring..

Faking smiles even without trying..

It was maybe under a twinkling star..

That on your road, I bumped my car..

You enlivened me by lending your arm..

I knew it won’t ever bring any harm..

Neither sick nor sorry, knowing my fate..

Still you so wanted me to persistently state..

With each passing day I forgot myself..

Simply, a tad little deeper in yourself..

Somewhere deep down, I surely knew..

One day, there’ll be a change in static hue..

But with your charismatic presence..

Everything had an aromatic essence..

The days turned starry and nights bright..

Don’t know why on Earth it felt so right..

You stood by me with unmatched endurance..

Your eyes always had a sparkling assurance..

But finally one star crossed eve, I clogged in..

Beats skipped and yes I admit tears did brim..

Like a cigarette I holed and ashed down..

What was once our solitary magical town..

My smoke started the in flinched torment..

Sadly, can’t even say I got space to lament..

You couldn’t handle, it was high time..

Finally sour tasted the pretentious lime..

I never knew how it all found a start..

Won’t either know why it began to part..

Just one question haunts the silence by me..

Why did you ever say, “try me”..!?!

Lacklustre

I’m plain and torrential..

I speak out of reality and need

Terribly if it hurts, I pay no heed

Yes, I’ve got that potential..

Hate me not, I pray..

But still if you do..

Well, completely okay..

Let your curses echo..

For I can’t ever add sparkling gold..

To what’s best presented, plain and cold..!!

Speaking blatant truth might cost you the loss of many people..Mind you : not all can handle this..!!

Lunatic

My words were scissors..

I know you’ve let out a hiss..

My actions were knives..

I know tears rolled down in streams..

My memories are terrible..

I know they haunt your dreams..

My presence is an ill news..

I know I’m not heaven’s kiss..

You stabbed my heart; once

I shattered yours; forever

You gave me reasons to cry

I gave you reasons to die

But in the rear of my cimmerian soul..

Seated are the muted words of a fool..

When lips will find gallantry one day..

Hope not too late, I pray..

You’d believe me when I’ll say..

I loved you, in my own twisted way..!!

Weightless

Yesterday, I shook hands with a little lass..

Who had a floodlit smile to pass..

Her eyes had a flickering gleam..

She said, she had a ‘dream’.

I settled around the dusty park bench..

For curiosity to prominently quench..

I gave my name under the growling sky..

“I’m just a daughter” came her reply.

Indeed she was intrusive, interesting..

She seemed to be always monitoring..

It was dark and soon clouds brought rain..

Surprisingly, no petrichor filled the lane.

With no more score to set..

I felt at ease getting wet..

Her lips moved but weren’t audible..

Suddenly, the rain grew terrible.

I finally asked about her ‘aspiration’..

But she rectified it as ‘admiration”..

Her dream was to meet her mother..

She got sad and to me, it did bother.

I asked whether she passed from the human lot..

Her answer- “no, I did, she did not”..

Giving in and not acting clueless..

So that’s why the bench seemed weightless.

Memoirs..

It’s your first anniversary, you buy her danglers and give a sad smile at the book store. She drapes in red, without your insisting and you take her to your favourite hotel. You order Falafel and she simply smiles in contentment. The waiter is surprised as never had he taken such a quick order from your table before. You find she has glossier tanned skin and her hairs are twice a shade darker but she never pesters you to compliment.

It starts to rain and this time you’re not dragged out to feel the first spell of monsoon. You drive her back and she is okay with your playing ‘Whitney Huston’ in the car. You unknowingly stop right before an ice cream parlour, but when she makes a confused face, you remember that she would never prefer them at night.

You both reach your place and she is not carrying her heels in her hands. She still has them on. It’s past midnight and you’re in deep thoughts about how she perfectly glided all through. She did not argue with the waiter, neither did she bug for balloons on the way back home. She even gracefully avoided the man in rags.

It was all absolutely hustle-free. You feel that she actually lets you have things your way and that’s when you realise what you lost, fourteen months ago.

Indeed I was a mess, but it had a gravitating charisma.

Debrief me of my Existence

I hope a shadow falls when, I walk in broad daylight..I hope my belly works in sync, with my breaths.. I hope my heels, clatters along the pavement..I hope my vocal cords functions, when needed..I hope a sweaty patch is left on the railing, I lay my palms on..I hope my frame occupies, some space in the queue..

I hope I’m alive..right??

All the lovelies who are still not ready to stop tossing their hearts like a flip coin ..there’ll be people along the way..who are all out to burn, betray, stab and plunder your serene smile…!! The reality might feel claustrophobic..the people you once felt home with are in the rush to draw separate ways..but then the only aid is..

Just- LET IT GO..!!

To the meagerest of contacts, a bruised hand which will freeze…my heart has earmarks of an autumn leaf which flows through the breeze. Yes, meddlesome at times..but still sweet than the slurry of limes..!!

Yes, let it go..holding back is eroding your insides..let it go, it wasnt ever yours. You don’t need to slump and slouch over and strangulate your heart to ribbons just to be acknowledged..!!

It’s hard, I understand..it’s not impossible, I assure..Life’s beautiful.. Try living it beautifully 🙂